COLUMN: 'Work hard in your life but do so in a way that helps others too...'

Buddhism, Taoism, neurobiology and stoicism all know that pleasure is not happiness. The constant seeking of pleasure brings nothing but discontentment.

From a neurobiological standpoint, dopamine is the molecule of more, the neurotransmitter of need.

The more the body gets the more it wants and so addiction is born to combat discontent and unhappiness in not receiving the things in life that trigger dopamine release, alleviating the discomfort and filling the void created in its absence.

To come off the dopamine addiction we have to retrain ourselves to find contentment in ourselves, to find joy in the process of being here, to find exhilaration in the challenge of life and to reorient ourselves to knowing that life can be pleasant without needing to hit the highs of satiating want.

As Tolkien said: “It is no bad thing celebrating a simple life.” Buddhism also teaches that all suffering comes from wanting what we don’t have or not wanting what we do have.

In western culture it’s as simple as saying “the far off hills are greener” or “the grass is always greener on the other side” to indicate unhappiness with what we don’t have, while we say: “We only miss what we have when it’s gone,” to indicate not wanting what we do have.

So, how do we retrain ourselves to find this elusive joy, this simple formula to happiness? Well the first step is in realising that happiness isn’t what we want.

There is something more fundamental than happiness and that’s contentment. We can live a contented life even if there’s unhappiness in some elements of it.

For instance I can have a bad day at work, feel unhappy about it but still feel contentment at the overall condition of my life.

That is, if my life is balanced in such a way that I see contentment in it everyday and that means showing up every day grateful for who I am, who I have in life, what I’m able to accomplish in any given day, the ability to do the tasks of the day to my best on that day and to have compassion for myself and everyone else.

Here are some thoughts to help you retrain yourself to finding clarity and ultimately find contentment: Life hurts.

This is especially true if we create our own suffering through growing our discontentment. Plant seeds of contentment instead and grow that.

It takes the same energy.

Gain perspective through honesty with yourself. Learn to recognise in yourself that at times that you have been the author of your own discontent.

If you’re having the same problem with everyone, you may be the issue. It’s often easier to point the finger than to look inward.

Not everything that happens to you is your fault, but sometimes you can create your own chaos.

People may take advantage of you. If you have people who mistreat you, it’s up to you to either change, accept or reject that.

Their treatment is up to them, your response is up to you.

Compassion and empathy aren’t weaknesses. Vulnerability isn’t weakness. Being closed off, isolated and fearful of showing weakness is, in fact, weakness.

Align your thoughts, words and actions. You cannot speak things into existence without working towards your goals. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Work hard in your life but do so in a way that helps others too. A rising tide raises all boats. If someone doesn’t have a boat, let them into yours or help them build their own.

Practice listening to understand instead of listening to respond.

Two ears, one mouth lets us hear twice as much as we speak. When you hear something that triggers you, pause and ask why. Learn the map to yourself.

You may have to repeat yourself because your expectations are important to you and maybe not as important to others.

Continuously advocate for your needs.

Most things that you treat as “rules” are actually choices and not rules. You can make choices that align with the life you want for yourself.

Do I need it? Do I want it? Is it necessary? How much life am I prepared to trade for it? These questions help us determine how to simplify our needs and wants.

Following these steps and answering these questions can help us all to realise that happiness is transient but contentment can be a permanent state of being.

Live like there’s no tomorrow... there might not be. I have lost so much time in life that was important while chasing my happiness and ignoring my contentment.

Life is a series of temporary conditions that can and will change as we do, but only if we do, otherwise life is like groundhog day, a day lived once and repeated over and over until all the energy is drained from it and it becomes old and threadbare and the joy is sucked out if it.

I’m not telling you any of this so that I can show you how much better I am but to show you what I learned by walking a road that was on fire.

I burned many times before I learned and I love you too much to want that for you.

If you are going to learn anything from this piece let it be that you are the master of your destiny and the author of your story.

In learning to be at peace with the story you write you will find contentment and a type of happiness that can’t be bought or sold; only Accepted and shared.