COLUMN: Nothing more terrifying than a dishwasher that's just finished!

There are routines in most houses. People have their assigned “chores” and they may be mixed and matched depending on who’s busier.

If you’re in a household where one person is doing all the cleaning, cooking, washing, shopping, childminding etc. then you need to check yourself. There must be something you can do to make your partner’s life easier.

I suggest you do it, before divorce papers are filed.

This column will be a bit like that scene in the TV series Friends where Monica teaches Richard how to make the bed “properly”.

It’s possible I may have some undiagnosed condition when it comes to a clean house but my sister is the very same way so I think it’s just breeding.

What’s that phrase, “an ounce of breeding is worth a tonne of feeding”.

In our house, we’re both clean freaks - which helps, because as I said, I have a sort of sickness when it comes to a clean home.

The water droplets in the sink bother me.

Yes, that’s right, a wet sink annoys me. I have to dry it with a tea towel - which drives my wife mad as it leads to tea towels going into the wash basket on a regular basis.

I hate too many coffee pods in the bottom of the Nespresso machine. And when the water gets low at the back of it, I have to always fill it. I never like it too low.

Each of us does our share of hoovering, taking out the recycling, the bins etc. Is it just me or do basic housework tasks have to be done on an almost daily basis now?

I hoovered yesterday, but I swear to God, it could do with another hoovering again today.

When the jobs are done, they’re done, you can finally relax. At least, that’s the way it is in our house. There are things I like doing.

My wife does all the washing of clothes. I do all the cooking. I love cooking. I find it relaxing. There are other jobs I actively avoid.

I’ll do my utmost to avoid changing our son’s nappy in the morning. Particularly if it’s a “code brown”. I take him to the creche every morning.

No problem!

But that nappy scares me!

And Jack on the nappy changer has always, always, since day one, been a nightmare. You could get a flying foot in the jaw that would be faster than a jab from Mike Tyson.

I love making him breakfast though, he loves cracking the eggs into the pot too for his scrambled eggs every morning. He loves cooking.

He’ll drag the chair over and stand up on it and stir away with me. I don’t mind cleaning up after cooking once the dishwasher is empty.

There’s nothing more terrifying than a dishwasher that’s just finished. The only thing that scares me more, is having a load of dirty dishes after dinner and you’ve a full dishwasher that HAS NOT BEEN TURNED ON. That’s a nightmare situation for me.

We generally do every second shop. We do a shop every two or three days at the minute because fresh fruit and vegetables don’t seem to last any more. We got sick of throwing out food.

So now we buy enough for three dinners, eat that and go shopping again.

What else...

In the winter time, when the stove is cleaned out and the stick boxes are full, some evenings we’d say to each other, will we leave the stove for tonight?

And by 9pm we could be freezing but at least the next day we wouldn’t have to clean it out and get more sticks.

It’s funny though, while I’m obsessed with keeping the house right, my car on the other hand is filthy. I hate cars, but they’re a necessary evil.

I’d love to be living in Eamon Ryan’s cyclist dream world, but in rural Ireland, it’s just not feasible.

Unless you’ve the endurance of Sam Bennett.