Offaly influencer reflects on stress and anxiety
During the course of my 56 years of my life so far, persistent anxiety and stress have been some of the things with which I’ve wrestled the most.
From childhood, I found myself anxious or stressed out in situations where it seemed most other people were not. I was supposed to “cast all my worries on God because he cares for me” (1 Peter 5:7). Yet especially when younger, I had no idea how to put this into practice. Nothing seemed to work. Yet, in recent years, I’ve acquired some new habits and patterns of living that have helped me to live with the type of serenity I’ve always wanted. Foremost among the new habits and patterns is my recitation of the Serenity Prayer once or twice a day. I might say it aloud, I might say it silently. But I always take a few moments to reflect upon it and think about its application to my life in the here-and-now and how best to accept my life as I truly am.
Serenity
The Serenity Prayer is a prayer asking God to grant acceptance, courage, and wisdom for things in our life we can't control. It means letting go of situations beyond your control and taking action toward things within your control. It also means being able to know when things are within your control and when things are beyond your control. It is a wide door, one that's open to people of all faiths, backgrounds and none. It speaks wisdom to addicts and non-addicts alike.
Wise people have used this prayer as a foundational rudder in their lives. It guides them to stand in their own truth, heal from their woes and exercise 'self and other' compassion. When applied to any conflictual situation in our lives, this prayer works like a genius challenging us to be present, conscious and deliberate with our thoughts and discerning with our choices.
People who live this prayer discover how to strike a dynamic balance between acceptance and change. Many of us spend too much time anxious about things we cannot change: the economy, the weather, traffic on our roads, or people who annoy us. As a result, we don’t have the energy to make the most of the opportunities we do have. Recognizing the difference between what we can and cannot change can help us live more peaceful and productive lives.
Acceptance is the key. If we can understand what serenity means then we can better understand what recovery from addiction, anxiety and worry is about. As humans, we have two basic strategies for handling any situation that disturbs us. One is to change the situation. For example, if we are short of a few bob, we can trim our latte or cream bun allowance or seek an increase in our weekly pay. If we are lonely we can call a loved one. This is how we usually cope with our anguish and distress. We try to alter the world outside us. And in many cases, this is powerful and appropriate. However, circumstances are sometimes beyond our power.
A sudden, unpredicted expense might undercut our plans to save money. We can call a friend or a loved one to suppress our loneliness, but that person may not be at home. Hoping we can control every event that comes our way is like hoping we can control the weather or how many goals Ronaldo or Messi score.
Response
In such moments, we often forget we have options and that we can change our response to the situation. Viktor Frankl was prisoner number 119104 in a concentration camp in the Second World War. He spent most of his time alone, laying tracks for railway lines. Most people assume he would have been miserable or gone insane, but even in the concentration camp, Frankl felt free. In his book, 'Man’s search for Meaning', he concluded that everything can be taken from us except our ability to choose our attitude in any given set of circumstances.
Another name for this freedom is 'acceptance.' Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Everything can be taken from a person but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. Fankl discovered this second option while he was in the concentration camp. Escape was not feasible; he was powerless over the situation. So he responded by dwelling on thoughts that empowered him. More specifically, Frankl stayed alive to the beauty of nature. Even the Nazis could not take away sunsets. He imagined amusing incidents that could take place in the future, allowing him to laugh. And he remembered the people he loved. He wrote how a man who has nothing left in the world may still know bliss, if only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of the people and things he loved and in the good he did in his life.
Applying Acceptance
Complete this sentence: ‘ I would be happy if I had...’ Typical answers include the right job, the right relationship, a new car, a child, a house. All of these have to do with the first option, having the right circumstances. All are attempts to change the world outside our heads. For example, addiction is something we are powerless over and recovery from addiction means looking for serenity elsewhere – in the world inside our heads. Recovery hinges on learning to dwell on beliefs, attitudes and thoughts that remain true no matter what happens to us.
The most important thing to learn and remember is that there is always another way of looking at anything. The Serenity Prayer reminds us that we should change what we can, accept that which we cannot change and strive to know the difference. For people in recovery, for all of us, such knowledge is the heart of serenity. The Serenity Prayer offers us more than an insightful look back at our past; it provides us with a road map for our future. Dreams do come true if you take the time to think about what you want in life. Get to know yourself. Be honest with yourself. Always believe in yourself. Find out what you are good at. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Work hard to achieve success. Pray for guidance and strength everyday. Don’t give up; just try harder. Dare to dream and then try to achieve them. If we wish for something new to emerge in our lives—such as the withering of anxiety and the growth of peace—that which was there before must die and give way.
We must let go of our old way of facing reality. We must shed the old pattern of closing ourselves to God’s love because we have been trying to play the role of God in our own lives. We must stop cutting ourselves off from the river of grace that flows from the divine life and stop trying to change the people and things in life that we can’t change. In doing so, we will begin to enjoy spiritual and emotional peace, find ourselves empowered to do the things we’re called to do, and experience the infusion of divine wisdom. We will know what Paul meant when he said to the Corinthians, “what no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Cor 2:9).
Thought for the week
As your thought for the week, pray for people you know who have an addiction, worry or stress in their lives including me, that they will say the Serenity Prayer and use it as a road map for their future and that we will have the courage and wisdom to use that map in our future dealings with ourselves and with others. I think my favorite passage in the Bible is from St. Paul’s letter to the Philippians, including the admonition, “Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything.” Stay connected with God, focus on your controllables, and leave the rest to Him. You can have flaws, faults, be anxious, feel lost, stressed, sad, down and even angry, but do not forget that your life is "the greatest enterprise in the world.
Only you can stop it from going bust. Many appreciate you, admire you and love you. Hold on to them and care for them and return these gifts to them and others when you can. Remember that to be happy is not to have a sky without a storm, a journey without cancellations, plans without setbacks, work without fatigue, family without upset, relationships without disappointments. To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the stages of fear and real love in discord. It is not only to enjoy the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness. It is not only to celebrate the successes, but to learn lessons from the failures. It is not only to feel happy with the applause, but to be happy in anonymity.
Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves. To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become your destiny's author. It is to cross deserts, yet to be able to find an oasis in the depths of our soul. It is to thank God for every morning in prayer, for the miracle of life. Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings. It's to be able to talk about you. It is having the courage to hear a "no". It is confidence in the face of criticism, even when unjustified. It is to kiss and hug your children, pamper your parents, to live poetic moments with friends, even when they hurt us. To be happy is to let live the creature that lives in each of us, free, joyful and simple. It is to have maturity to be able to say: "I made mistakes".
It is to have the courage to say "I am sorry". It is to have the sensitivity to say, "I need you". It is to have the ability to say "I love you". May your life become a garden of opportunities for serenity. That in spring may it be a lover of joy. In winter a lover of wisdom. And when you make a mistake, start all over again. For only then will you be in love with life. You will find that to be happy is not to have a perfect life, a perfect family, a perfect friend, a perfect relationship. But use the tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your losses to train patience. Use your mistakes to sculpt serenity. Use pain to plaster pleasure. Use obstacles to open windows of intelligence. Never give up. Never give up on people who love you. Never give up on the people you love. Never give up on happiness, never give up on you, for life is an incredible show. Pray the Serenity prayer everyday as I do, "God grant me the serenity, To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world, As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make things right, If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him, Forever and ever in the next. Amen."