Offaly man never sat his family down to tell them he was gay as he recalls pub incident
Gay Offaly man (48) shares his coming out story at 27-years-old ahead of Pride festival
The third annual Offaly Pride festival in soon approaching to celebrate inclusivity across the county.
Events will take place across Offaly from 16th–19th July, where LGBTQ+ people in Offaly along with family, friends and allies can come together to celebrate Pride.
Ahead of this, the Offaly Express spoke to a gay man from Offaly who has bravely shared his story.
Diarmuid Degan is from the little village Crinkill near Birr, a close-knit community where coming out as gay can be a lot harder for people than in big cities such as Dublin. This was especially true for Diarmuid growing up when it was not widely accepted in Ireland and he felt like “the only gay in the village.”
Diarmuid didn’t accept himself, or come out to people, until he was 27.
He is now 48 and a proud gay man.
The Offaly man said that because growing up with no one else he could relate to or confide in, he didn’t feel comfortable coming out of the closet while he was growing up in Crinkill. He said that if he was a young boy now he still wouldn’t.
Diarmuid didn’t start to explore his sexuality until he moved away for college where he was able to join the LGBTQ society in Maynooth where he studied theology.
He knew he was gay from a very young age of five years old but it took him a very long time to be comfortable telling other people.
In college he lived in a home with straight men, who he described as lovely people, but he was still very mindful about watching his P&Qs and how “I presented myself around them and others in college.”
At the age of 27, Diarmuid then got a job in Dublin with the HSE where he still felt that he couldn’t share with any of his colleagues his sexuality “out of fear,” he said.
“Also, in that job, I worked in a high support unit, so I worked with teenagers with behavioural and emotional problems, and again, I was very mindful with the other staff and the kids about sharing personal information.”
Diarmuid said that the kids would ask him questions like ‘do you have a partner?’ and he then would have to say, ‘I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to talk about my personal information’.
Whereas if he was straight he could get away with saying I have a wife or a girlfriend, he felt.
“I felt very sad that there was a certain wall that I had to put up to protect them and protect myself, whereas my colleagues could at least say they were married and had maybe three or four kids.”
Diarmuid said that now in schools or workplaces it is more socially acceptable to be a member of the LGBTQ community.
He visited his old secondary school in Offaly last year and noticed a big LGBTQ pride flag in the entrance and LGBTQ posters.
“I was blown away because when I was in school, it was like maybe 1,400 people in the whole school. I was in a very large class grouping and to this day, I could not tell you who also was LGBTQ because I suppose I was trying to keep my barriers up, so people wouldn't see it in me, if that makes sense.”
Diarmuid said that he always wanted to move to Dublin and move out of his small village in Offaly with its “one hardware store and being the only gay in the village.”
He said that he truly found himself when he moved to the city, especially going to The George, Dublin’s iconic gay nightclub for the very first time at 27 years old.
“I love the dancing and the bright lights and the culture and the gay world and, you know, how we interact and how we can be so good in some ways, like straight women who come into the gay bars don't feel threatened.
“They feel safe. I know I'm being very stereotypical here, but, you know, a lot of gays like to dance. I love to dance, love to sing, do karaoke.
“When I went into the George the very first time, I thought it was like being a young boy in a candy store for the first time ever in my life.”
Diarmuid has found his community where he is able to express his sexuality openly, however coming out to his family was not so easy.
Diarmuid said that he never officially sat his family down at the dinner table and announced that he was gay.
Instead he dropped little hints to them here and there, like ringing his mam on the phone to say he was going out to The George with friends.
His mother asked, ‘Oh, what’s the George?’ and he told her then it was a gay nightclub.
His family eventually put the pieces together but a formal discussion was never had.
“At one point I was going to work and become a monk and just, you know, work with the poor and I was going to deny myself that life.”
Coming out to family can be one of the hardest things to go through for a gay person. Diarmuid said that he and his father get on well but he never asks him about his romantic life.
He did, however, say that he recently read his father one of his poems based on his sexuality, a breakthrough in their relationship and his father’s acceptance to him.
Diarmuid also never formally came out to his friends in work when he started his job but one of colleagues guessed he was and he confronted him about it.
The situation was pleasant though because his colleagues were all very accepting of him.
Being back in Birr can be a bit challenging for Diarmuid as a gay man even now.
Diarmuid recalled a homophobic incident in a pub two years ago. He had noticed a man he recognised from school at the pub and began chatting to him.
He said then that another group of men he would of grew up with started shouting over, asking the man was he gay too because he was talking to Diarmuid.
“If I was 10 years of age today, I still wouldn't come out until I was 27 because, unfortunately where I live, it still would be kind of dangerous,” he said.