POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY: Thinking about how you talk to yourself

PSYCHOLOGISTS have for many decades studied the impact of self-talk on emotional and general wellbeing.

Whether we are aware of it or not, our minds are constantly chattering and part of this chatter tends to be a running commentary on events of the day, and an ongoing evaluation of how we feel we are doing at any point in time.

If this internal monologue is a balanced, supportive one, this has a positive impact on mood and motivation.

However, human nature and the way in which the human brain has evolved means we are all prone to negative self-talk.

We can easily fall into mental commentaries which are negative, undermining and self-critical.

Personality and life experiences also have a role to play. Much negative self-talk may form echoes from the past, so for example if you were often told as a child that you were “no good at maths” or “lazy” or “shy”, then not surprisingly your adult inner voice may tell you similar things even when they may be completely untrue.

Much research shows that entrenched negative self-talk links with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem as well as many other psychological struggles.

The good news is that we can change the negative tone of that internal chatter.

Several psychological therapies, including cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and other mindfulness-based therapies (such as compassion-focused therapy and ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy) help clients to become aware of and change patterns of negative self-talk.

Sport psychology has for many years focused on how athletes can harness positive and motivational self-talk in order to improve their performance and outcomes.

Very few inter-county hurlers or footballers attribute their greatest achievements to constantly criticising themselves for mistakes made on the pitch!

Here are a number of tips and suggestions drawn from a range of psychological therapies which can be helpful to us all in switching from a negative internal monologue to a more constructive and positive pattern of self-talk.

Distance

Try to create some distance between you and your self-talk.

If you note that you were mentally saying to yourself “I am stupid”, rephrase this as “I notice I am having a thought that I am stupid”.

Making this little change is actually significant as it helps us recognise that thoughts are just thoughts, they are not facts.

Mistakes

Beware of the tendency to exaggerate the importance of mistakes. Perhaps you made a mistake when speaking at a meeting at work.

If your self-talk is then telling you “I made a complete fool of myself, my boss will think I am useless at my job” this will likely lead to rumination, thinking over and over the situation to a point where you feel really horrible.

Remind yourself that it is perfectly normal and human to make a mistake, correct it where possible and move forward without beating yourself up.

Language

Watch your language! The words we use are important.

As psychologists we often caution against use of extreme words such as always, never, totally.... for example “I will never pass my driving test”, “Why do bad things always happen to me?”

Such words very rarely reflect the reality of any situation but they do cause us to feel discouraged, anxious and stressed.

It is far more helpful to use more moderate reality-based words such as “I would like to pass my driving test, so I will do my best and see how it goes”.

Possible

Think possible! In the 1980s, many books were written about “positive thinking”.

Many of the ideas in these publications were (and still are) helpful.

However, sometimes it is hard to say positive things to yourself about a difficult situation or else the positive affirmations may not quite ring true.

So, in many situations it may be more helpful to focus instead on neutral possibilities.

Chartered clinical pyschologists Julie O'Flaherty (left) and Imelda Ferguson

Journal

Try keeping a journal in which you write down some of the negative phrases that you commonly use.

Keeping track of your self-talk in this way can help create some distance between you and these thoughts.

It may also bring your attention to certain patterns you weren’t aware of, such as, do you frequently say to yourself “I’d be useless at that...” or “I could never do that...”

Becoming aware of our negative self-talk is a first step towards making positive changes.

So next time you notice yourself using one of the above phrases, take a breath and replace it with something more encouraging like “I can give it a try.”

Best friend

Use the “best friend” rule. As psychologists we recognise that people frequently say things to themselves that they would never dream of saying out loud to a close friend or someone they care about.

So as a rule of thumb, if you would not make that nasty or critical remark to a good friend, then don’t say it to yourself.

Compassionate

Finally, be compassionate! Try not to berate yourself for engaging in negative self-talk.

It is normal and human, if not helpful to do so. Making change often involves taking two steps forward and one step back, so we need to kindly allow for the slips as we progress, one little step at a time.

Imelda Ferguson and Julie O'Flaherty are chartered clinical psychologists, both based in private practice in Tullamore. Through Mind Your Self Midlands, they run courses on Positive Psychology and mindfulness throughout the year. They can be contacted through the Psychological Society of Ireland www.psihq.ie (Find A Psychologist section) and also on their Facebook page, Mind Your Self Midlands.