‘I came out as trans to my wife in my 40s – our newfound relationship helps us understand each other’

A transgender woman who kept her identity a “deep secret” until she came out to her wife in her forties has said their new life allows them to be “more understanding of each other” and explore their future together in new ways.

Joanne Lockwood, 59, a chief executive who lives in Portsmouth with her wife of 36 years Marie Manly, 58, began feeling she experienced “gender confusion” at the age of eight – but over the years, “started picking up responsibilities”, had children and “got on with life”.

Joanne did not confide in anyone about her gender dysphoria – besides posting anonymously on internet forums – until 2012, when she and her wife Marie started having relationship problems.

Joanne and Marie started discussing the future of their relationship and she told her wife she had been “cross dressing all (her) life” – and her honesty allowed the pair to work on their relationship.

With Marie’s support, Joanne started presenting as a woman, had laser hair removal on her face, had a hair transplant, attended gender dysphoria support groups, and went on to tell her children and mother the news.

She was referred to a gender identity clinic in 2016 and, after being bought out of her business as one of the directors of an IT company in 2017, Joanne then began taking testosterone blockers and oestrogen.

Since then, she has gone on to launch her own business, SEE Change Happen – a diversity and inclusion consultancy practice with a specialism in providing transgender awareness – and she and her wife have adjusted to their new life.

While Marie admits she misses what the pair once had, she is happy with their new life and describes Joanne as her “soulmate” with whom she will be “together forever”.

Joanne told PA Real Life: “It brings into question (my wife’s) whole sense of self – she is now a woman married to a woman.

“We can both explore our lives together.

“So there was a lot of deep talking, adjustment, trying to figure stuff out and it’s not linear.

“There were those moments where we were having really great fun together, we really enjoyed each other’s company, and there were times where we found it difficult (to be) in the same room.

“I’m lucky she can embrace a side to her she hasn’t embraced before – not every person wants to be asked to explore their identity and who they are, and are very open to it.”

Marie added: “I see us as equals now, we complement each other, we are soulmates.

“She is my best friend, we are closer, with more understanding of each other.

“I do miss what we had, but now living and working together we seem to have created a new norm.

“We are happy, live and work together, laugh and talk all the time. Together forever.”

Joanne first remembers feeling like she wanted to identify as a woman at the age of eight.

“I remember being a Cub Scout and being sat behind the Brownies and the Girl Guides and just feeling like I should be there with them,” she explained.

“I had this sort of inkling that things weren’t right from that age and through my teenage years, into my twenties.”

Joanne always felt pressured to fit in with society’s expectations, so she “started picking up responsibilities” and repressed her feelings.

“In those quiet moments alone I think I knew who I am, but at the time I thought I couldn’t fix it or solve it, and I got on with life,” she said.

“At that time, LGBT was kind of held in low regard … so you kind of did repress it and … it seemed inherently more of a secret I didn’t want to share with anybody.”

In 1985, after leaving the Royal Air Force the previous year, she met her now-wife, Marie, at a party and they soon began dating.

As their relationship progressed, and the pair married in 1987, Joanne continued to keep her identity a “deep secret” besides sharing her feelings on anonymous internet forums.

Over time, the pair’s relationship weakened but this rift allowed Joanne to open up and eventually come out to her wife.

She explained: “Marie was talking about the past and then I sort of thought, ‘well, I’ll chuck this on the table’.

“So I told her I’ve been cross dressing all my life, which is the language I had at the time.”

Marie added: “(I was) confused really about the revelation but everyone has something, don’t they?

“I didn’t even know what cross dressing was and had to Google i. After time I felt like I had been hit by a bus and it had left a massive hole in my heart.

“I believed at the time that everything I knew about my life at that time had been changed forever and (I was) unsure of what lay ahead.”

A few months later, the two were able to address the problems they were facing in their marriage, such as empty nesting and not spending as much time together.

Over time, Joanne explored her gender identity even more. In 2014, she “presented as Joanne”, had laser hair removal on her face, and began attending gender dysphoria support groups.

Marie said: “It took a long time, in the beginning. They say time is a great healer and with time and much talking, we have worked hard on the adjustments now.

“After Joanne came out it was like learning all over again, to go shopping or the cinema – would everyone know we were married? What would others think?

“Seeing Joanne’s appearance change was difficult at first, not wanting to clash wearing similar clothes, or the same colour nail polish.

“But I know that doesn’t matter – I wear what I want and have my nails painted for me.

“Previously, I wanted to be looked after but now I try and treat Joanne as I would want to be treated, buy her flowers or jewellery, or open a door for her.”

In 2016, Joanne decided to come out to her children, whom she does not wish to name, after they had both graduated from university, as well as her 76-year-old mother.

She explained: “(My children) were kind of taken aback – it’s big news that you can’t necessarily digest.

“I took my mum out for coffee in a cafe and I remember printing out a load of guides for parents for trans children … and of course, they were geared up for young parents of young children, but my mum took them away, she processed it.

“She did a bit of crying and finally agreed to meet me as Joanne probably about another two months later – she was a bit apprehensive to start with, but we got there.”

In the summer of 2016, Joanne was referred to a gender identity clinic.

She went on to take testosterone blockers and oestrogen and launch her own company, SEE Change Happen, specialising in trans awareness.

She said: “I’ve had the positive effects of oestrogen in terms of breast growth, skin smoothing, all those kinds of things, but I’ve had the lack of libido and the lack of hair growth, and my emotions have changed.”

Joanne’s wife, Marie, stood by her the entire time.

Joanne said: “It brings into question now of her whole sense of self and I guess we’re in an undefined relationship now based on love and togetherness.”

Marie has been so accepting of Joanne she now even works with Joanne at SEE Change Happen as a customer operations specialist.

Marie said: “Don’t they say everything happens for a reason?

“Well our something happened to make Joanne whole and for us to help others in the work that we do. It’s just fantastic to help others who have a story like mine or similar now.”

Looking back on her experiences, Joanne said: “My objective was to transition and just have a boring life. I wanted to just worry about the weather or worry about the weekend, or what’s on telly tonight.

“That was my objective, for life to become more ordinary, and now it is and I’m really, really happy.”