Throuple aiming to be second relationship trio in US to be recognised as legal parents of a child on a birth certificate

Three gay men who are in a throuple – a three-person romantic relationship – are raising an adopted daughter together and are in the process of becoming the second three-person relationship in the US to be recognised as legal parents of a child on a birth certificate.

Ben Rolam, a director of sales and education, 37, and his long-term boyfriend, Mitch Rolam, a manager of account development, 37, always discussed bringing a third person into their relationship, and, after being together for 12 years, they found their perfect match, Benjamin Rolam, an entrepreneur, 35, on a gay cruise in 2018.

When Ben and Mitch met Benjamin, none of his family members knew he was gay – so, when introducing his new partners to his loved ones, he had to both come out and tell them he was in a throuple, which he said they took “surprisingly well”.

Now, all three of the men’s parents have “accepted” their relationship and happily share grandparent duties.

Ben believes there are misconceptions about throuples – that they are all about sex or there is an element of jealousy – but he asserts that his relationship is “based on support, growth, love and care”.

Day-to-day, the throuple spend almost every moment with each other, share the same bed and split chores and baby duties equally.

“We alternate nights to be with the baby, so when she wakes up in the middle of the night, I can take care of her, the next day is Mitch, the next day is Benjamin.

“So we all feel like we get an equal amount of rest, we all get equal amounts of support, we all get equal time with our baby.”

He said: “In traditional relationships, typically women carry most of the weight when it comes to chores in a household, from the cleaning to the cooking to taking care of the baby.

“In our household, we are all divided equally, Benjamin does the dishes, I cook, Mitch vacuums and does laundry – I think that’s also what’s beautiful about our dynamic – we can divide and conquer, we can get so much more accomplished without feeling exhausted.”

“We would let them know love is love from a mother or a father.”

Ben thinks being in a throuple is “just like being in a regular couple” apart from the fact there is one more person.

He said: “There’s no jealousy between Mitch, Benjamin and I, in terms of if I feel like he’s connecting with him more, or vice versa.

“There’s a misconception that couples are all about sex all the time – our relationship is not based on sex, our relationship is based on support, growth, love and care.”

Ben said: “We connected right away – we invited each other to dinner, and then the rest is history. We saw each other every day after that.”

After being together for around three years, the couple began considering becoming a throuple.

“We both felt like we just had so much love to give and that if there were an opportunity ever to bring a third person to a relationship, we would completely be open to that.”

Before trying to find the third person, Ben and Mitch felt it was important to go through every possible challenging situation to understand each other’s boundaries.

In 2018, the couple went on a gay cruise holiday and unexpectedly found their perfect match – Benjamin Mui – who was in the early stages of a relationship at the time.

After meeting Ben and Mitch, Benjamin soon realised that he did not feel the same excitement for his boyfriend of three months.

At the time, Benjamin was based in Canada, so for around six months they would visit each other on weekends.

Ben said: “That’s how we kind of knew that this was going to work – we made that commitment.”

But, Ben thinks becoming a throuple allowed him to see Mitch in a different light.

He explained: “I got to learn a completely different side of Mitch, meaning he was treating Benjamin very differently than he ever treated me.

In July 2019, Ben and Mitch proposed to Benjamin at San Diego Pride to “make him part of the family” and got married spiritually as a three in Hawaii in September 2019.

Ben said: “We did it among ourselves with a celebrant – we didn’t want to make a big thing out of it with friends yet, and we hadn’t told our family we were in a throuple yet.”

After the ceremony, Benjamin wanted to introduce his two partners to his loved ones, but he had not even told them he was gay at that point, so he had to come out and tell them he was in a throuple at the same time.

Ben explained: “They are from Hong Kong, so I think it was a little bit of a shock culturally because it’s not something that is so openly talked about in their culture.

“When it came to the relationship, I think once they saw our dynamic and how supportive we were of one another, they didn’t have anything to say.”

When Ben told his family that he was in a throuple, they were also very accepting but could not help but feel shocked.

In December 2021, the throuple hired a website developer and lawyer to advertise themselves as a throuple looking to adopt a baby, as when they were with an adoption agency, they only had three mums show interest in them in two years.

The throuple began getting 30 to 40 women reaching out weekly, and by March 2022, they found Tegan, their baby daughter.

Ben said: “To know that I’m making a path for other relationships that look like mine feels good.

“It reminds me of the early days when I was fighting for legal rights to get married to a man or two lesbians to marry.”

Looking to the future, the throuple are hoping to have another two children through surrogacy.