It’s Good To Talk: Seven priorities when living with menopause 

Menopause thankfully is a word that is heard more often than it was. 

It is certainly time that it was talked about more. It has only been several years since I recall even hearing the term perimenopause. I wondered had I been under a rock, how had I not heard of this perimenopause before?

It’s strange in life how we don’t pay any heed to things until they become relevant to us. As a counsellor I felt I needed more training in working with clients going through these stages to fully understand the physical and emotional impact on them. During this training another term that is rarely mentioned popped up - that is the late reproductive stage. This is directly before the perimenopause stage. 

Often women find this stage confusing because you may start to feel changes in mood but no changes to your cycle so the connection that this could be a stage of menopause may not register with you. In this article I want to look at some things that may be most common for clients in terms of their mental wellbeing challenges during this time.

Informed and empowered

Firstly knowledge is power - do your own research on menopause but from reputable sources. Not all social media information is accurate or coming from a good place therefore make sure you get your facts from a trustworthy source.

Everyone responds to different things in different ways, be that information, support or hormone replacement therapies so be open to getting to know what works for you. Sometimes this is going to be trial and error but don’t give up! If what you try doesn’t help you the way you would like it to, there are other options. Never give up on making yourself feel better, you are worth more!

Sharing is caring for yourself 

Normalise what you are going through by talking with friends and family. It’s hard to beat sharing with likeminded people and having a cry or giggle together and if they are also going through or have gone through the menopause stages it can be very therapeutic to share experiences.

It’s good to talk, it takes the loneliness out of what you might be going through and often you can gather information and experiences from peers that can be helpful. Word of caution always....the emotional radiators are very helpful, avoid the emotional drainers. Share with those that will care, show love & support. Get to know your tribe!

Your confidence, your self-esteem 

During the stages of menopause many women experience loss of confidence and low self esteem, this can be due to several factors such as anxiety, low mood and depression, brain fog and memory issues.

The brain fog and memory loss alone can cause insecurities in people and make them question their performance and their self-worth. Add in the unpredictability of the physical and mental changes that come with this new stage and it’s not surprising that you may experience a dip in the relationship with yourself.

When I talk to clients the words that crop up tend to be around loneliness, invisibility and “not feeling themselves”. This is a common description of how people experience this stage but it can be hard sometimes to determine if “not feeling yourself” is menopause related or related to other things in life.

Often it can be a chicken and egg situation for people wondering are they anxious or experiencing depression because of the menopause or is it due to circumstances in life, historical experiences or as clients might ask “is the menopause 

doing this?” 

Counselling

Unfortunately the menopause doesn’t wait for perfect timing when everything might be on an even keel in life so you could be dealing with loss, teenagers, parenting anxiety, separation, financial worries, work issues and many other big things on top of menopause.

It can be hard, challenging and it might feel very unfair at times! If you attend counselling  during this part of your story it is important to look at your life as a whole (no matter what your counseling goal) to establish a base level of what your life is like, how it has changed and how you and your therapist can explore it together for a better outcome for you and your day-to-day living. 

Don’t Look Back In Anger – I heard you say

Anger is often the most common emotion talked about in my counseling room during stages of menopause. Anger is very real for people at any stage in life but throw in hormone changes and all the other physical symptoms and why wouldn’t you experience anger?

Anger is the emotion that might be easiest to identify with but perhaps the hardest to channel. The drop in estrogen during the stages of menopause can cause a drop in serotonin which is the chemical that helps us all regulate our moods. When mood drops it can have a domino effect on many things in life. 

You may find yourself annoyed by things you wouldn’t normally care about, you may feel more anger or a different type of anger such as rage as well many other emotions. This can impact on relationships, friendships and your experience with partners. What can you do?

Name what you are feeling, feelings can be big, hard to explain and all round tough at times so acknowledge it. Bottling it up is like shaking a bottle of coke vigorously and unscrewing it, it goes everywhere and you have no control, then you have to clean up the mess. We can control anger more if we understand it, break it down and count to 10…..if only it were that simple however taking time out is simple and helpful. 

Remove yourself from a situation, if you can, when emotions are high. Ask yourself, will I be glad I took time out when I am looking back on this moment? Taking time out is essentially headspace to make better decisions so some things that might be helpful is to be aware of your  breathe, inhale/exhale, slow it all down,  run your wrists under cold water, sip a glass of water or stand outside. Blood pressure, heart rate and breathing all rise with anger. 

Overwhelm kicks in and decisions and actions are taken that you might regret. In managing anger we are often trying to do damage limitation (not adding fuel to the ‘fire’) so you are not then having to deal with consequences of anger and you can get straight to the source of the fire.

It’s also helpful to identify anger rising. Imagine a dimmer switch rather than a flick switch, one is controlled, while the other is just flipped. Get to know your triggers, the sensations in your body as anger is rising or building and use your tools to control it. These are not magic tools, they things you have already used/done throughout your life that have helped you but you may not have identified what they are. 

I want you all reading this to think of tough times in your life that you have got through and what may of made it easier or what you want to avoid because it actually made it harder….these are your tools, you haven’t got to menopause stage in life without stuff happening but you are here and you are the expert on yourself whether you realize it or not!

Be Heard

There are lots of other things that can be helpful during stages of the menopause. There are no magic wands however small but effective stuff that can make things a little bit gentler on yourself.

Unfortunately I don’t have the column inches to go into all of them in detail but they do deserve a shout out for exploration later. These ideas are not all not exclusively for menopause experience, they will help with general well-being for both men and women with whatever is happening in life!

Always speak to your GP, use your voice, be heard, speak up (which isn’t always easy at times) and also ask for support services.

Look after your nutrition…are you binging, emotional eating, restricting yourself? Your food is your fuel, don’t mess with it or it can mess with your mind and emotions! There may be deeper issues around food that need to be explored with a counselor so be mindful of that also.

Friends, family, good ears wherever they are, use them! Do not go through anything alone. Your stuff is important and you are not burdening people and I am sure you have probably done enough listening yourself so now it’s your turn.

Outdoors, whatever you want to do outdoors that is good for you, go for it! Think outside the box, gardening, coffee at the back door, stretching, put a song on and dance in the garden. Walk in the rain, feel grass under your feet, go traditional with a run, cycle or swim or walk.

Anything goes but your physical and mental wellbeing will be better getting outdoors! Create a routine and it doesn’t have to be hours on end, little spells regularly, think small stuff, big impact!

Relationships

Relationships with partners will need good communication because this can be challenging times for all involved. Saying how you feel or sharing that at times you might not know how your feel can be helpful for everyone. Empower your partner by communicating how they can support you.

Figure out what you would like and also what you might need during this time. Relationships can get strained during these times for many reasons so it’s important to remember that couples counselling does exist and can be beneficial. Keep talking, silence might seem like the answer but it tends to be far from helpful. 

Sleep enough but not too much. The bed should be for sleep and rest but know when it’s an escape and a hive for negative thinking. Remember everything seems worse without sleep so you can’t sort everything all in one go but sleep and how you get it should get always be top of the priority list. 

Lastly but by no means least - you should be your top priority during your difficult times in life. Mind yourself, your boundaries and how you look after yourself. Compassion for yourself can go a long way and can be very healing. You deserve only the best and that ‘best’ has the most power coming from within. 

All good wishes and much love to you all 

Tracy x