Barrtalk: An Armenian farce for the ages [but was it really that surprising?]

I watched as the utter debacle, farce, horror show – and every other torturous descriptive you can think of – unfolded before our disbelieving eyes on Tuesday night, when Ireland were roundly beaten by Armenia in the World Cup Qualifiers.

It was a Group F match. Group 'EFF' – you can effing say that again!

The bumpy pitch didn’t help, but to say the Irish players looked like a bunch of mid-level amateurs is not an exaggeration, even in the slightest.

They couldn’t seem to string more than three passes together, without giving the ball away or kicking it hopelessly out of play. No wonder the cameraman couldn’t resist panning across to the bewildered green fans in the corner every thirty seconds. Such an arduous trip for the supporters already, without having to endure 90 minutes of head-scratching hell.

The 2-1 scoreline could easily have been 5-1 in favour of the Armenians, who are ranked at number 105 in the FIFA world rankings.

To put that in context, Armenia sit just below Tanzania, the Kyrgyz Republic [wherever that is] and Tajikistan. Go one spot further down to 106 and there’s a country I’ve literally never heard of before: Comoros, which is apparently an archipelagic country made up of three islands in Southeastern Africa, located at the northern end of the Mozambique Channel in the Indian Ocean.

Not that the company we are keeping in the football world rankings is much better. The Irish are behind Iraq and Saudi Arabia and just one place above the Congo at number 60.

Despite this and despite the overwhelming evidence stretching back decades now, we still have this notion that a new manager will change everything for the better, and we’ll be back to the glory years and our rightful place, tucked in just below the world elites once again.

Surely, there must be another Big Jack out there who can bring us back to Italia '90?

Sadly, we look a million miles off it at the moment, and whatever optimism that briefly lifted us after the impressive recovery against Hungary, has dissipated, dropped like the proverbial lead balloon.

The most shocking thing about the Armenia result is not it wasn't that surprising at all really. In fact, it's their greatest win since their last greatest win over us a few years ago. They probably wish they could play Ireland every week.

Doubtless, the managerial merry-go-round will spin again – Icelander Heimir Hallgrímsson is a goner – and we’ll be caught up in another cycle of hope and despair soon. Such is life as a football fan in Ireland in 2025.

And what’s worse; is that I used to have the mighty United to fall back on – but that’s a whole other farce for another day.

Fancy your own personal ice-cream van?

I got a promotional email the other day in my inbox. You know the type; of the kind that’s usually an instant delete.

It was promoting some brand of soft serve ice-cream machine that would allow you to make your own cones at home. Obviously, I couldn’t resist clicking in for a look.

Not only does it bring freshly-made cones into the home, but it can instantly serve you ice-cream in thirteen different settings, including milkshakes and frozen yogurts.

It is tempting, I do concede.

However, I tend to resist the notion that you can replicate everything at home these days – the idea that your home can be your own private bar, coffee shop, restaurant, while the garden can be a trampoline park for the kids.

It just doesn’t wash. No matter the advances in technology, it’s infinitely more fulfilling and healthy to go into the world and experience these things socially with other people around.

You can try all you like, but you can’t capture the coffee shop taste of an americano or a cappuccino at home, nor that first pint you get poured in a busy pub. As for the trampolines out the back? The kids are fed up with them after the first few days, and would still much prefer a trip to Leisureland or the bowling alley in Derry.

And now, instead of the occasional treat during summer, we’re being offered our own year-round ice-cream machine in the comfort of the house, which we presumably need never leave again.

Aside from the antisocial nature of having everything at the touch of a button at home, imagine the physical health implications of effectively having your own personal ice-cream van just ten feet away in the kitchen.

Who could possibly resist having at least one 99 cone every day – certainly not me!

These domestic machines will make us all increasingly humongous, never mind entirely odd and more reclusive.

And for those wondering, the ice-cream machine for cones at home costs a cool €410! At that rate you’d need to be consuming at least 20 cones a week to break even!

Anyone know the number for Slimming World?

Widen the school gates, please

And finally this week, it’s time for another parent-style rant.

Her Indoors usually did the Moville Community College drop-offs duty in the morning, but this year – for one reason or another – the responsibility has fallen on yours truly.

Having driven to and from MCC over these past few weeks, I have discovered a very obvious problem that must have been irking staff and other parents for years.

The gates into the school building are far too narrow, with barely enough room for two cars to pass without slowing down to 2 miles per hour first.

As for buses [of which there are many at a school after all]; there’s just about enough room for one bus to squeeze through the entranceway, never mind two. Not a hope.

As a consequence, the main road and the school gateway, which serves as the way in and the way out, becomes routinely jammed up, leading to frustrated parents [including this one] backed-up unnecessarily in traffic behind.

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The opening may have been apt for horses and carts and the odd Morris Minor back in the last century, but it certainly aint fit for purpose for today’s world of 4x4s and 60-seater coaches.

Surely, when the multi-million euro new Moville Community College building [which looks amazing by the way] is finished over the coming months, someone will find a few measly thousand to widen the main entrance and exit too?

Otherwise, Her Indoors will be chugging up the school lane in her wee white Hyundai again pretty pronto!