‘I’ve been pregnant 11 times and lost seven babies in seven years – there are ways to find comfort amidst the storm’

A young mother who has been pregnant 11 times and lost seven babies in the space of seven years has said there are ways to find “comfort amidst the storm”.

Carmen Grover, a 33-year-old registered nurse who lives in Ontario, Canada, lost four babies, which caused “such heartbreak”, before having her first son, Case, in December 2017.

She gave birth to her daughter, Maelie, in April 2019, but experienced two more losses after this, including her baby, Jude, who died shortly after birth in August 2020 and was so small that doll’s clothes “fit him perfectly”.

After giving birth to her second daughter, Ayda, in July 2021, Carmen experienced her seventh loss but knew she wanted to “try one more time”, leading to Charlotte being born in February 2024.

Carmen, who is married to Phillip, a 34-year-old HVAC mechanic, said she wrote letters to every baby she lost between January 2016 and January 2023 and has converted this into a book to help others find hope.

She told PA Real Life: “Our story is a story of hope.

“I lost faith many times, but there was always something that kept me bound and determined.

“Truthfully, I don’t think I ever lost hope, my hope just shifted, and when my babies would die, I would think, ‘I hope to see them again, I hope to leave a legacy for them’.”

Carmen and Phillip started dating in 2009 and were married in 2014.

They ventured to Machu Picchu in Peru for their honeymoon in October 2015 and, a month later, Carmen discovered she was pregnant with their first child.

In pure excitement, Carmen told her friends and family at about seven weeks, but she then started experiencing “cramps and bleeding” in January 2016.

“That was the start of our first loss,” Carmen said.

“When they did the ultrasound, they were able to tell that the baby had actually died at nine weeks, but my body was still holding the baby at 12 weeks, and it’s called a missed miscarriage.”

After falling pregnant again in March 2016, Carmen felt positive that her body would “know what to do” this time, as doctors could not find an explanation for the first miscarriage.

However, she noticed light bleeding, known as spotting, during a vacation to Newfoundland, Canada, and her “body dispelled the baby” at 10 weeks.

At this point, Carmen said she started questioning everything.

“The first time I felt like it was my fault, but it was, ‘Okay, my body needs to know what to do’, and then this time, I thought, ‘Okay, something might be wrong with me’,” she said.

In July 2016, Carmen discovered she was pregnant for a third time and, after passing the 12-week mark, she was hopeful this pregnancy would be a success.

However, during follow-up scans and tests, doctors told Carmen the baby’s “heart looked backwards” and she had a rare congenital heart defect called double outlet right ventricle (DORV).

Carmen explained: “Doctors said, ‘She could have a bunch of surgeries, but there’s no guarantee that she’ll survive all of those’.

“Being a nurse myself, I almost knew too much … but we wanted her so desperately.”

Carmen was “losing hope” at this point but made the decision to deliver their baby girl, named Kaia Belle, as she thought: “What if she’s the only baby I ever get to hold?”

Kaia was born with a heartbeat at 24 weeks in January 2017, but she was pronounced dead about an hour later.

“I think she died sooner, but I just didn’t let go of her,” Carmen said.

“It was heartbreakingly beautiful.”

After a chemical pregnancy – a very early pregnancy loss – Carmen gave birth to their “perfect and wonderful” son, Case, in December 2017.

With “hopes and dreams for a little girl”, Carmen then delivered Maelie via an emergency C-section in April 2019 and felt “so grateful to have her alive and in (her) arms”.

Living with two “crazy toddlers”, Carmen fell pregnant again, which was not planned, but she lost this baby at about seven weeks.

She then fell pregnant again in March 2020 and was confident there would be “no more loss”, but at 20 weeks it was discovered the baby had no kidneys and would not survive.

Feeling “blindsided” with the prospect of a “second terminal diagnosis”, Carmen was not sure how to proceed, but she decided to deliver the baby in August 2020 at 21 weeks and he passed away shortly after.

She and Phillip called the baby Jude, with his siblings choosing his middle names Simba Joy, and his ashes have been placed in an urn with Kaia’s so they can be together.

“He was beautiful, but as we went to leave, my husband said, ‘Poor little guy’,” Carmen said.

“You could tell he was heartbroken, but he was trying to hold it in.”

With every loss, Carmen wrote letters to each baby as it was “raw and real and cathartic”.

She said writing became her own form of therapy when she felt like she “couldn’t share (their) losses outwardly”, and it helped her process her thoughts and feelings.

She gave birth to their daughter, Ayda, in July 2021, who was a “miracle”, but had her seventh loss afterwards in January 2023.

At this point, she said: “That was the moment when it was like, ‘What is the purpose of all this?’

“It all came to a head, and I thought, ‘How do I help my friends and family understand our story?'”

This led Carmen to compile the letters she had written to each baby, and she released her first book, A Diary for My Babies: Journeying through Pregnancy Loss, in February 2023 to “honour” them.

With a feeling that she could not “end (their) story on a loss”, Carmen and Phillip tried again, and she gave birth to their fourth rainbow baby, Charlotte, in February 2024.

Carmen said doctors have never been able to explain why she experienced so many losses, so she questioned: “Why me? What have I done so wrong to deserve this?”

However, she said her baby losses have made her realise that she was “meant to be a voice” so others “don’t suffer in silence” or feel alone in their losses, and she feels incredibly lucky to have four children now.

“None of us have a crystal ball, and if I knew that this was the life I was going to have, I still would have done all of this,” she said.

“But if Case hadn’t survived, I don’t know that I would have tried again and that’s a really hard thing to say because that would have meant no children, and I have four living children now.”

Although she understands that there are differing opinions when it comes to pregnancy and loss, Carmen hopes her story helps others and creates a “ripple effect” of conversation and hope.

She continued: “Through it all, the rainbow does keep appearing throughout our lives and it shows up in ways that maybe we didn’t expect.

“That’s what a rainbow is. It’s that comfort amidst the storm.

“Today, our seven losses form the seven colours of the rainbow arched over our family, holding us.”

To find out more, search @adiarytoourbabies on Instagram.