Mum of autistic non-verbal toddler who felt like ‘an outsider’ designed awareness T-shirts ‘to get people talking’

A mother of a non-verbal autistic toddler has helped parents across the world feel less alone by creating a special online community on Instagram.

Abbie Bates, 26, from Bicester, Oxfordshire, said she felt isolated and alone when she was told that her daughter Harriet, now aged four, might be autistic at 15 months old.

This low point prompted her to start sharing Harriet’s story on Instagram, under the handle @happyhandsharriet_asd, in an attempt to connect with other people who might be going through a similar experience.

However, the former children’s nursery practitioner, who is now a full-time carer, never anticipated that two years and 545 posts later that the account would have 42.1K followers. Abbie regularly receives a flurry of messages from people from across the globe asking for advice and thanking her for spreading awareness about these conditions.

“It’s the best thing that I’ve ever done. People from across the world message me and say, ‘thank you for this’, or ‘oh I didn’t know about this’ and it’s brilliant that our story can help others,” Abbie told PA Real Life.

“I just felt really lonely and isolated and hadn’t ever met a child that was like Harriet and was on that high end of the spectrum. I don’t want parents to feel the way I did, where I felt completely lost and frustrated at the whole system.”

Throughout Harriet’s life, Abbie said that she has faced a lot of dismissal from others about her daughter’s needs.

“I found it hard because Harriet was so young, so people dismissed her needs because of her age and because she didn’t have a diagnosis,” shared Abbie.

“People were like ‘well she’s really young, she’ll probably just grow out of it. It’s probably just a bit of a delay’. It was one of the hardest times because I knew that Harriet had high level needs even know she was so young. It was just so frustrating.

“I understand that some people say it in a kind way but, unfortunately, I feel like it doesn’t help a parent with a non-verbal child because they cling on to those timescales. So, when you get to the end of six months and it doesn’t happen, it’s like your heart shatters again. So, I’ve always said ‘have hope, but just don’t put a time on it’.

“The spectrum is so broad and no two children on the spectrum are the same. There’s a lot of stereotypes about autism, so I think it’s important to keep an open mind and to not make any harsh judgments. You don’t know what someone’s going through until you walk in their shoes.”

Harriet was finally diagnosed with autism, global development delay (which has now been changed to severe learning disability), sensory processing disorder and Pica (a medical term for when children eat non-edible items) two years ago, which Abbie said was a huge relief as it has enabled her daughter to go to a specialist school where she can access the support she needs.

“At the time, Harriet was really struggling. She was head banging on walls, floors, concrete floors and everything, like sleep was just horrendous,” recollected Abbie.

“The first time I felt relief was the day when Harriet got her diagnosis because she wasn’t put through any assessments or anything. They knew straight away and could see that Harriet was clearly autistic and had these other diagnoses as well. I felt like finally someone gets it and can see what I’m seeing.”

For the past six months, as well as keeping her followers up to date with their journey, Abbie has also been designing clothing, bags and gifts emblazoned with slogans like ‘Love needs no words’, in reference to those like Harriet who are non-verbal, and ‘SEN Mum Club’ or ‘SEN Dad’, for parents of children with specialist educational needs.

“I wanted to just do something that could spark up conversations as we would regularly go out and people would just stare or would feel like they couldn’t ask a question,” said Abbie.

“So, that made me want to do it, to get people talking. People now see the T-shirts and now think, that’s a family that understands, I could go over there and speak to them and tell them about my child.

“A lot of parents of autistic children are full-time carers like me, and you often feel like a bit of an outsider to everybody else, so it’s definitely great to have these conversations. It’s also great to have something that sparks conversations with people who don’t even know what autism is or who have never met a child who is non-verbal.”

Her determination to raise awareness and help other families has caught the attention of national disability charity Sense, and Abbie has recently been shortlisted for the charity’s prestigious national Family Carer of the Year Award. The winners of the Sense Awards will be announced all through the week beginning Monday November 24 on Sense’s social media channels.

Abbie said she was completely shocked by the nomination and is keen to keep spreading awareness about non-verbal and autistic children.

“I think you have to have a good connection to understand a child who is non-verbal because they do things differently,” said Abbie.

“You have to understand how they react to things, what’s too overwhelming for them to be able to meet their needs.

“The bond she has with her teacher, for example, is just incredible. Even though Harriet is unable to talk to me and tell me how her day’s been or how she’s feeling, I know that Harriet is looked after, because I can see it all over her face.”

The proud mum is also constantly amazed by Harriet’s lust for life and said the most important thing her daughter has taught her is not to take anything for granted.

She said: “Harriet loves everything, like the smallest details – whether it’s just the wind blowing in her hair or the leaves going side to side on the tree. She’s amazed by it.

“She sees the beauty in absolutely everything. We don’t even think about those things, we just completely dismiss them. So, I think she’s incredible to just love life the way she does and she doesn’t take anything for granted.

“She has her struggles due to her disabilities but she isn’t bothered by them. She doesn’t even know what autism is. She’s just happy being her and I love the fact that she’s not bothered by her disability.

“She just wants to be herself and she doesn’t care what anybody else thinks of what she does or how she is. I think that’s a great way to be, to not constantly worry about other people’s opinions.”