Dear Fiona: How can I support my grieving friend?

The problem…

“My friend of 40 years recently lost her husband, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer during the pandemic. She coped incredibly well looking after him, making sure he was comfortable and got the help he needed. She had the option of him being cared for in a local hospice, but she knew he wanted to spend his final days at home with her.

“She made sure that he was as comfortable as possible in his final days – a responsibly she took on by herself. She remained so resilient and strong throughout, but now with her husband gone, she seems lost. She has become increasingly introverted, which is not like her at all. She often cancels our plans and ignores my calls and messages.

“She was very involved in the local community, and in her spare time was always out gardening and keeping active, but she doesn’t do any of that anymore. Sadly, I couldn’t attend the funeral as numbers were limited due to Covid restrictions, so I don’t feel I’ve been able to say goodbye to him either. I’d love to find a way to support my friend with her grief and do something together to remember her dear husband.”

Fiona says…

“However prepared people may think they are for the death of someone close to them, when the reality happens, it can still be an enormous shock to the system. Whilst he was alive, even knowing what was to come, your friend was able to keep busy and active looking after him and making sure his end was as good as it could possibly be. Once he was gone, her life would, inevitably, feel very empty and, more particularly, purposeless.

“His illness meant she had something to drive her through every day, but now she probably feels empty and adrift and doesn’t know what to do with herself. Whatever you do, don’t stop calling and messaging her – she needs to know you’re there when she’s ready to respond to you. Most importantly, don’t stop talking about her husband – she hasn’t forgotten him, and it will hurt her to feel others have.

“Offer her help in practical ways. For example, cook a meal for her and take it to her house; tidy her garden for her, as you say this is something she’s neglecting. If you feel you can, point her in the direction of Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) where she will find a lot of helpful information, including their bereavement support helpline on 0800 090 2309.

“As for something to do with your friend to remember her husband, consider taking part in the National Day of Reflection on March 23, which would be an ideal opportunity to remember him. There are more details on the Marie Curie website and there are lots of ways to take part in the day, including observing the minute’s silence that will take place at 12 noon. There are also several online talks taking place or you could create or visit a ‘Wall of Reflection’ together that she might find helpful.”

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