‘I finally belong’: Trans woman who ‘nearly died’ in motorbike crash that ‘split her skull open’ transitions in late 40s

A trans woman who “nearly died” in a motorbike crash which “split (her) skull wide open” transitioned in her late 40s and now feels like she finally “belongs”.

Jessica Shively, now 54, an audio-visual technician from Seattle, Washington, spent decades hiding her identity, including during two marriages and raising a son, before coming out as a trans woman in October 2019.

She began hormone therapy weeks later, changed her name in 2020 and underwent gender-affirming “bottom surgery” in June 2021, a 65,000 US dollar procedure (£48,487) which she said she fought to get health insurance approval for but still had to co-pay 11,000 US dollars herself (£8,205).

Jessica shares her life with nearly 40,000 followers online, under the handle @jessica_darkwolf on TikTok, and is now dating another trans woman called Dani, who she met on a dating app.

She said the motorbike crash made her realise how short life is and she now feels happier than ever.

“Transitioning from man to woman was an upgrade for me,” Jessica told PA Real Life.

“This is where I belong. This is where I feel the best.”

Jessica grew up in Federal Way, a suburb south of Seattle.

“My mum was ultra Catholic. Dad was a cop – very racist, very bigoted, very homophobic,” said Jessica.

“Even as a young kid, I knew dad wouldn’t tolerate any of that.”

From around the age of seven, Jessica realised she felt different, preferring her sister’s dolls to other toys, but quickly learned not to express herself.

“I just learned to be quiet and do whatever my parents wanted me to do,” she said.

As an adult, Jessica joined the Air Force after high school, married twice and started an audiovisual business installing home theatres.

After two rounds of IVF with her second wife, she said their son – both of whom she does not wish to name – was born nine weeks premature and later diagnosed with autism.

Jessica said she left work and paused her nursing studies to care for him full-time when her second wife was admitted to hospital.

In 2003, however, Jessica was involved in a serious motorbike crash while test riding a bike at work.

“I wasn’t wearing a helmet. I split my skull wide open, broke both my hands and my knees were messed up,” she said.

“I don’t remember anything for about two weeks – it was just scrambled. I shouldn’t have survived that.”

This experience made Jessica realise just how short life can be, and in 2012, she said she left for Austin, Texas, with her son in tow.

“I didn’t know anything about divorce and, because I was taking him out of state, that’s technically kidnapping,” Jessica explained.

“If I had known better, all I had to do was file one piece of paperwork, and things would have worked out differently in the divorce, but it is what it is.

“She got custody, I just paid her every month, and moved on.”

After recognising her mental health was in a bad place, she said she reached out to her doctor for support and was referred to a therapist who specialised in gender issues.

“One day she laid out notes from our sessions and asked me one question, ‘What do you see?’,” said Jessica.

“I sat there for a minute and read them, then I went, ‘I’m a woman’. She never told me who I was, I told myself.

“It was soul-crushing in the moment but also relieving at the same time. It was like, ‘Wow, I didn’t expect to find that out’ that morning.”

Jessica began hormone therapy in November 2019, aged 48, and noticed changes including a “heightened sense of smell” and feeling like “colours felt more vivid”.

Although she was occasionally misgendered early in her transition, Jessica says she has never received hurtful remarks in person – something she credits to the way she “carries herself”.

She initially had her makeup done professionally at beauty retailer Sephora before learning to do it herself, gradually streamlining her routine from 90 minutes of full contouring to a 35-minute daily look using foundation, highlighter, setting powder and eye makeup.

Due to injuries sustained in the motorbike accident, Jessica wears a hairpiece – a partial wig that blends with her natural hair, which she has grown out underneath.

She first came out to her sister, Jeane, 52, via a letter she hand-delivered in December 2019.

Jessica also told her mother, Dawn, in February 2020.

“My mum came into the room after reading the letter I’d written and said: ‘Jessica, I love you, and we’re going to get through this’,” she said.

“She used my chosen name the first time. It was such a weight off my shoulders.”

Jessica says she and her mother have “made up for lost time” and now frequently shop together for clothes and makeup.

Her father, however, refused to accept her true identity, after she says she was outed by a stranger over email.

“He looked at the letter I’d written him for like two seconds, got up, walked over and threw it in the trash,” she said.

In 2020, Jessica legally changed her name and gender.

“My dad still called me by my old name. He was hurt that I changed my middle name from ‘Glen’, which ran in his family,” she said.

Jessica then underwent gender-affirming surgery in June 2021, commonly known as “bottom surgery” – a procedure for trans women that typically involves the construction of female genitalia using existing tissue.

She said she had to pay 11,000 US dollars herself towards the surgery, after a month-long battle to get her health insurance company to approve the total cost of 65,000 US dollars.

“When I woke up, I felt better just knowing it was done,” she explained.

“Even though you couldn’t see anything because I was covered in bandages, it just took such a weight off my shoulders, it was freeing.”

Post-operative complications led to a bacterial infection and hospital readmission, Jessica says, but she recovered and spent 98 days healing at her parents’ home.

“My mum suggested we go shopping, and I put on a pair of jeans for the first time since surgery and they fit properly, finally,” she said.

“It just put a big old smile on my face for the rest of the day.”

Jessica said her father died in 2022 from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease before accepting her.

She began sharing her story online during lockdown and found an unexpected community on TikTok that asked her questions.

Jessica said some followers have even told her that she has changed their minds.

“In today’s political climate, me being out in front of everybody irritates a certain group of people, and I’m happy to irritate them,” she said.

“I’ve read quite a few comments that said, ‘Yeah, I was just like your dad, but I can listen to you and understand’.

“If I can change just one person’s mind, that’s one less person out there spreading hate.”

Jessica is now dating another trans woman, Dani, 49, who she met on a dating app in August 2024.

“When I’m not around her, I want to be near her, I want to talk to her,” she said.

After decades of living for others, Jessica finally feels at home in her skin.

“I’m not a man in a dress. I am me, I am a woman,” she said.

“It just took me a long time to come to terms with who I am.”