5 signs your mum group has become toxic

Singer and actress Ashley French, formerly Tisdale, has recently opened up about her experience of leaving her “toxic” mum friendship group, and has encouraged other mothers to stand up for themselves.

Her widely circulated article Breaking Up With My Toxic Mom Group published on The Cut struck a chord with fans and fellow mums alike.

In the article, the mum-of-two wrote: “I was certain that I had found my village. But over time, I began to wonder whether that was really true. I remember being left out of a couple of group hangs…[and] was starting to feel frozen out of the group and notice every way that they seemed to exclude me.”

The former High School Musical star – and mum to Jupiter Iris French and Emerson Clover French – added that these experiences prompted her to confront the group. In The Cut article, she shared that she texted the mum group chat: “This is too high school for me and I don’t want to take part in it anymore.”

We spoke to Dr Joy Conlon, a registered psychotherapist at Coyne Medical, who says this experience is extremely common, particularly among first-time mums.

“A lot of first-time mums feel like they are in survival mode and feel pretty vulnerable. Their nervous system is activated as they’re not sure what they’re doing,” explains Conlon. “They are often no longer working every day so aren’t getting validation that they are doing a good job from colleagues, so there’s this identity shift.

“During this time connection feels essential and sometimes these mum groups can start off feeling like a supportive, survival network and people enter them with an idealised perspective that they are going to be super helpful, but unfortunately, that’s not always the case.”

Here are five key signs that may indicate that your mum group has become toxic, along with guidance on how to navigate these dynamics and ultimately find a healthier, more supportive tribe.

1. The group chat makes you feel anxious

“Toxicity often shows up emotionally for us before it shows behaviourally, so we often sense that something’s off before we can name it,” reflects Conlon.

Anxiety can be a key indicator that something isn’t right.

“Maybe you are starting to feel anxious when a message comes into a group chat or you start starting to feel anxious before you open a chat,” says the psychotherapist. “If a group leaves you feeling smaller, more anxious and less confident, that could be a sign that maybe they’re just not your tribe.”

2. It doesn’t feel like a safe space

“Another sign that a group might have become toxic for you is that you feel judged or are starting to edit what you are putting in the group chat or saying in person as you are constantly questioning how it’s going to be received,” says Conlon. “If you feel like you can’t be yourself, this could indicate that it doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore.”

3. It feels passive aggressive

Passive aggressive behaviour is often subtle, but it can chip away at your confidence over time.

“There might be some very quiet signs of passive aggression in the group,” says Conlon. “You start start noticing that certain parenting choices are subtly being praised and some things people say gets a lot of responses, and then maybe something you put in is ignored or criticised.”

4. You feel drained after spending time with them

“After you walk away from an interaction ask yourself the following questions: How does that person make me feel? How did that group make me feel? Did I leave feeling lifted, or did I leave feeling drained? Do I feel better about myself, or is that space making me question myself?” advises Conlon.

If the answer is yes, then it might be time to re-evaulate some of these friendships. Conlon highlights that true, healthy friendships should provide a non-judgemental, supportive space.

“If you are in a good friendship, you will feel safe to share what’s going well and what you’re struggling with without feeling judged,” says Conlon. “You will feel that they listen to you, and if any advice is shared, it’s in a supportive way, rather than in a critical or a judgemental way.”

5. You feel like you are back at school

“A lot of my clients will tell me that these mum groups remind them of being back in the school playground,” says Conlon. “For example, there might be people who need to feel like they know everything and are directing where the conversations go, and then there are also people who want to follow the leader and fit in.

“These group dynamics might make you feel unsupported and left out. For example, if you find out that some of the group met up and didn’t invite you.”

It might be advisable to consider leaving a friendship group if you consistently feel a sense of toxic comparison.

“Some people might be trying to portray a certain message and idea of perfection as a mother that makes everybody else feel less,” says Conlon. “It’s important to remember that just because someone is more vocal, doesn’t mean they’re right. Empty vessels make the most noise.”

Here are some suggestions about how to navigate these dynamics and how to find your tribe…

Reach out to more friendly people in the group

“Recognise the people in the group who do respond to you and seem to be more on your wavelength,” advises Conlon. “Prioritise one-to-one conversations with these people who make you feel safer.”

Mute group chats…or leave them completely

“With things like WhatsApp, there’s almost this constant availability, constant messaging and pressure to reply quickly so I would recommend muting the chat,” suggests Conlon. “Turning off the read receipts can also be helpful so you don’t feel the compulsion to reply immediately and can then reply when and if you want to.”

If you really don’t feel safe in a group chat anymore, don’t be afraid to leave it.

“Some people might want put a direct mindful message into the group chat to say thank you for the time we’ve shared, but I feel like I want to leave,” says Conlon. “However, remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Give yourself permission to just leave the group quietly.”

Attend in-person community group sessions

“We’re wired to have a sense of belonging and to relate, so see if there’s any local in-person mum groups that you can physically take yourself and your baby to,” recommends Conlon. “I think it’s important to make the effort to go to these, as you can often form richer relationships in-person than in online groups.”

Seek validation and help from other avenues

“It can be helpful to read some parenting books or to talk to a trusted family member, friend, doctor or therapist about how you are feeling as a mum rather than relying on WhatsApp groups for validation,” says Conlon.