6 signs you are a helicopter grandparent

You’ve probably heard of the term helicopter parenting – but what about a helicopter grandparent?

“A helicopter grandparent is someone who’s really involved and might struggle to step back in terms of parenting duties,” says psychotherapist Amy Bojanowski-Bubb, BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) member. “They might offer frequent advice and override their children’s parenting decisions.

“In terms of the helicopter analogy, it’s that hovering behaviour of always being there and not stepping back.”

Although this behaviour is usually unintentional and comes from a place of love, it may not always feel helpful or supportive to parents.

Bojanowski-Bubb has highlighted six common signs of helicopter grandparenting and has offered some advice about how to navigate this dynamic.

1. Step into parenting mode too quickly

“One example of being a helicopter grandparent could be that they’ve reached to pick up or soothe their grandchild before the parent has even had a chance to respond to a situation,” says the psychotherapist.

2. Criticising parenting choices in front of the grandchild

“They might correct a parent’s choice in front of the grandchild and might say something like, ‘Oh mummy doesn’t know what she’s doing, granny will do it properly‘,” says Bojanowski-Bubb. “This could be perceived as undermining.”

3. Constantly offering unsolicited opinions

“They might give a running commentary on the routine of the grandchild and constantly offer their opinion of what they think is best,” notes Bojanowski-Bubb. “For example, they might say, ‘He’s tired or she needs a jumper, or I wouldn’t feed them that’.”

4. Ignoring or bending house rules

“Another really common sign, which I think a lot of grandparents do because they want to spoil their grandchildren, is constant ignoring or the bending of the house rules in terms of things like treats and sweets, screen time and even bedtimes,” says Bojanowski-Bubb.

5. Being defensive

“Sometimes, if parents are trying to set those boundaries and a grandparent then gets really visibly hurt or defensive and says things like, ‘Oh, I was only trying to help’, I think that’s a really clear sign, too,” says the psychotherapist.

6. Constantly wanting updates

“Constant asking for updates, photos or video calls and wanting that reassurance when they’re not present can be another sign,” says Bojanowski-Bubb.

What often drives this type of behaviour?

“I think there’s often lots of emotional drivers to this kind of behaviour,” says Bojanowski-Bubb. “Firstly, it could be driven by an anxiety about safety or the wellbeing of their grandchildren. I think this can be especially true if the grandparents raised their children in a more risk-averse era.

“Also, some grandparents may struggle with this new sense of autonomy in their adult child as they become a parent themselves.

“I also think there is also this prevalent fear for grandparents about becoming irrelevant and replaced and a fear of being forgotten about in a new big family system. That can be especially true if a grandparent’s sense of purpose is tied strongly to caregiving.”

She adds that sometimes these behaviours can come from a place of unresolved guilt.

“They might have an unresolved guilt about their own parenting years,” says Bojanowski-Bubb. “For example, they might think, ‘Oh I didn’t get it right back then, but I can get it right now and can do better now’ and then push extra hard to heal that unresolved guilt.”

Tensions can also arise around generational clashes.

“In terms of emotions, discipline and independence around parenting, all of these things have changed over the years and this can cause generational clashes,” highlights Bojanowski-Bubb.

What impact can helicopter behaviours have on family dynamics?

“For the parents, they can can feel undermined by their own parents and this can really erode their confidence as parents,” says Bojanowski-Bubb. “Having a helicopter grandparent can also create tension between partners and lead to building resentment.

“Meanwhile, from a grandparent’s perspective, they might feel rejected and hurt when boundaries are set because they have invested so much emotionally.”

The grandchildren may also be impacted.

“In these situations grandchildren can actually get really confused about who’s in charge because all these authority figures are saying different things and then can struggle to know what the real boundaries are,” says the psychotherapist.

What advice would you give grandparents on how to navigate this situation?

Ask questions

“Asking explicitly, would you like my help or would you like me to listen, can sometimes be really helpful because often parents just want to feel heard,” says Bojanowski-Bubb.

Take a pause

“Just taking a pause before stepping in can be good,” says the psychotherapist. “Stop and ask yourself, am I being supported here, or am I actually just taking over?”

Support parenting decisions publicly

“Even if you disagree privately about your child’s parenting decision, I think it’s a good idea to support your adult child’s decisions at least publicly in front of other family members and grandchildren,” recommends Bojanowski-Bubb.

Respect boundaries and accept a degree of discomfort

“It can be a really tricky situation, but sometimes it can be helpful to respect the boundaries and accept the discomfort of what stepping back might look like,” says Bojanowski-Bubb.