Woman says ‘goodbye’ to her identity as sexual abuse survivor and ‘hello’ to new her after taking on rejection therapy

A woman has been able to say “goodbye” to her “identity” of a sexual abuse survivor and say “hello to the true me” after taking on rejection therapy.

Sisanda Umali, a 27-year-old personal growth coach, public speaker and youth mentor, from Basingstoke, claims she was sexually abused at age 11 which she believes made her take rejection “personally”.

Sisanda wanted to work on this and was inspired by people doing rejection therapy – where people intentionally seek out rejection to become more comfortable with it – on TikTok and decided to take on the challenge in July 2024.

Her tasks involved asking if she could have a dress from Marks and Spencer for free, asking if she could make her own sausage roll in Greggs and approaching strangers to see if they would sing in the street with her.

Despite her “heart pounding” and being incredibly nervous the first time round, she was left feeling “empowered” and was shocked that it was not as scary as she initially thought.

Since then, she believes her confidence has grown and she has proved to herself that she is “strong”.

Sisanda told PA Real Life: “It (rejection therapy) is like saying goodbye to the identity that came with trauma and pain, after being sexually abused, and saying hello to the true me, to the real me that knows that she is somebody who is beautiful and capable and worth loving.

“Her voice matters, her body matters, anything and everything she has to say matters, and that she can be anything and succeed at whatever she decides to succeed at.”

For many years, Sisanda has worked on her personal development through her work as a life coach and has “come a long way” – but, she has always struggled with rejection, after being sexually abused by the alleged perpetrator at age 11.

She said: “I would say when he abused me, he just made me feel like I was nothing, and that nothing I said or did mattered.

“I was just an object and I was unworthy of being respected, of being accepted, of having my voice, of having any confidence.

“So to be able to prove to myself that I don’t have to be defined by his own set of values, I realised I can actually decide what defines me, what gives me self esteem, what gives me value and confidence.”

As Sisanda grew up, she often “took rejection personally”, so, in an attempt to overcome this, in July 2024 she decided to take on rejection therapy.

Sisanda first came across rejection therapy on TikTok, a few months prior, and was “instantly inspired” after seeing creators take on challenges such as asking shop owners for free things and asking to serve their own ice cream in an ice cream van.

As a life coach helping people with confidence, she believes she should “lead by example”, and also thought her challenge could inspire her clients.

Her first challenge involved her going to Marks and Spencer, finding a dress, and asking the cashier if she could have it for free.

“I was scared, I walked around for 10 minutes, just pacing up and down, trying to build the courage to walk up to the till,” she recalled.

“And then finally, I just said, ‘I just have to do it’ and I queued up, and my heart was literally pounding – I thought people could hear it.

“Eventually I got there, so I’m kind of laughing, smiling, and I’m just like, ‘Can I have this dress for free?’

“I mean, she looked at me like, ‘Did I hear you, right?’

“And I tried to play cool, like, ‘Oh, you know, I’m a regular customer, don’t you do that kind of thing for regular customers?’ to which the cashier said ‘No’.”

The cashier asked Sisanda if she still wanted the dress, and she said no, as she thought it was “important to not take away from the moment”.

She added: “I wanted to feel the full cringiness of it, the full embarrassment of it, as much as I was tempted to go back and be like ‘I was just doing a rejection therapy, don’t judge me!’

“I walked out and I realised, literally, the world did not end, like the earth didn’t swallow me whole, everything that I thought was going to happen to me after doing it just didn’t happen.

“I felt thrilled and empowered.

“I was just on such a high that I just wanted to do it again.”

A few weeks later, while walking down the street, she asked strangers to sing Neil Diamond’s 1969 hit, Sweet Caroline, with her.

She said: “The more I did it, the more confident I just got, and the less I cared.

“I might feel some nerves, but I was just focused on the prize of feeling more confident, not the price of being a bit nervous at the time.”

Similarly, when she was meeting her friends to celebrate one of their birthdays, she asked strangers if they would sing happy birthday to them.

She said: “The first couple I asked said yes immediately and it kind of shocked me, because I’m still expecting a no, but then it teaches you that actually, you’d be surprised what people say yes to.

“I asked this group of men too – I would never have done that a few years ago, I was terrified of men.

“For me to willingly approach a group of men and just say, ‘Excuse me, gentlemen’ all perky and confident, was a big moment and they were like, ‘Yeah, sure, why not?’

“So that was cool.”

In addition to this, she went to her local Greggs and asked if she could make her own sausage roll, and the shop assistant instantly denied her request.

She said: “It made me care less about what people think.

“By that point I felt fearless completely.”

She has also asked strangers to lend her £5, walked down the street with a hand mixer and asked people if they want to buy it, and while in Waitrose doing her weekly food shop, she asked a fellow shopper to pay for her toilet roll.

Since doing rejection therapy, she has noticed her confidence grow and her “social skills improve” – before she took on the challenge, she rated her self-confidence at a four out of ten, and now she would rate it as an eight.

She explained: “I had this belief that I would always be rejected… but actually, now I know that that’s not true, and rejection therapy is a wonderful way of just proving to myself and reminding myself that I am strong.

“I’ve had men hit on me more than usual – now, I’m literally walking with my head held high, and I make eye contact with almost all the strangers I walk past, and I’m smiling.

“So I think I’m just more approachable.

“I’ve also had more people get in touch with me about my business and that’s been really exciting.”