Ageing Alphabet again

The Ageing Alphabet

Musings

Sonia Kelly

As far as I can remember, we had reached ‘M’ in last week’s ageing alphabet so, in this case, memory-loss is inappropriate. In other cases, though, it is only too apparent a loss when it comes to names, or not being entirely sure just what I had opened the cupboard for. In fact, another candidate for ‘M’ could be Mad old bat!

Numbness follows ‘M’ in the form of numb fingers. Three fingers of each of my hands have progressively lost most of their feeling, except for pins-and-needles, making it pretty hard to wield real versions of the latter. I think it’s caused by something-syndrome in the wrist.

‘O’ for Osteoporosis, or disintegration of the bones, causing sufferers to more or less fold up. (I don’t have it. Yet.)

‘P’ – what else but Pain? All those inexplicable pangs and twinges that feed your hypochondria and seem to augur crippledom. No wonder there are so many drug addicts and alcoholics – insensibility is just one way of blotting out the pain of existence.

Queasy is what you feel after eating, or drinking, something unsuitable to your advanced age. Or perhaps, like me, queasiness comes after trying yet another concoction purporting to be an elixir of life. Then again, it could be induced by witnessing a scene of gratuitous violence.

Rancourous is something one should at all costs avoid becoming as age and dependability increase, although, from what I hear, it is a mode of approach adopted by many in their declining years. I am determined not to go down that road.

‘S’ stands for quite a lot of things. Swollen ankles, for instance. One of mine used to swell up, and then sometimes the other one would. I’ve no idea why. And then it stopped happening. Again, why? There’s also the scar left on my retina by eye injections. Some people have sciatica. And shingles. Anyway, I can admire my beautiful slender ankles every night before popping into bed!

Tooth decay takes place as a matter of course and, while now’adays tooth doctors can replace these worn-out stumps, or renovate them into flashy grins, the future does not look promising now that dentists have rejected the medical card. And watch out for thrombosis, which could strike at any time and fell the unwary.

Ugliness is another condition that’s bound to increase with age and which will now be exacerbated by the black stumps in our mouths. How soon before we have to employ wigs and face masks? Burkas might be the answer.

VOC, or very old cripple, is what I officially became after my last hip operation. I say ‘officially’ because I then became entitled to a cripple sign for the car window.

‘W’ is for something else that adds to one’s general ugliness: wrinkles. A few are OK and give the face its character, but what I hate are the ones in the moustache area and there is no disguising them, except by an actual moustache!

Xynthus – an unfamiliar word, perhaps, but descriptive of an all too familiar condition – the fading, or yellowish tint, that seems to imbue ancient, wrinkled skin.

Yawp is to talk foolishly, which is something young and old often do. However, it can get to a point when past and present become inextricably mixed and the result certainly sounds extremely foolish.

Which brings us to conclude appropriately with Zilch, meaning an insignificant person – something that one has obviously become after developing all (or even some) of the foregoing.