Social dilemmas

Some social dilemmas

Musings

Sonia Kelly

THERE are some social dilemmas with which no etiquette book seems to deal. One of them crops up when seeing a guest or visitor off one’s premises in their car. Do you wait on the doorstep, smiling and waving, until the person has manoeuvred the vehicle out and on its way? Or do you wave once and return into the house?

Perhaps the latter seems dismissive – as if you couldn’t wait to get rid of them, but personally I always prefer not to have a spectator when I am the one turning and twisting and possibly mowing down some valuable plant. There is also the added difficulty of determining the right point to take my eye off the exit and direct one last farewell gesture to the householder who waits on the step.

Another situation which confuses me is when I meet someone while shopping, who says ‘Good morning’. My own greeting normally consists of ‘Hello’, or even ‘Hi’, and formality strikes me dumb. Sometimes my name is appended, which creates a further rigid distance between us, as I could absolutely never bring myself to say ‘Good morning, John’, or ‘Mike’ or whoever. But having received the formality (which is flattering in a way) it seems disrespectful to offer anything less – hence the inner turmoil which ensues.

If, however, you meet someone with whom a conversation develops, more confusion could arise should you meet the same person a few minutes later. What do you say this second time of meeting? Do you pretend it’s the first time, ignore them completely or deliver an off-hand nod? It’s a serious and oft-encountered problem.

Dinner parties, of course, present a minefield of etiquette-related questions. Like when someone gets so carried away with the conversation that they forget to eat. In one way, this is very gratifying, as it’s good for the guests to be intellectually stimulated. But do you start collecting everyone else’s empty plates? Do you try somehow to attract the attention of those not engaged in the conversation? Or do you just say loudly, ‘Eat up … Let them wait for an answer’? There’s always a fine line between flattery and insult.

And we all know the angst that arises when a fellow diner fails to mop up a splash of food on face or beard. An abyss of embarrassment looms for both parties – either immediately, if you point it out, or subsequently, if you don’t and the splashee finds out that you failed to do so. Then blemishes, or perceived blemishes, may not necessarily concern food. It could be a case of smeared lipstick, smudged eye-shadow or even - God bless the mark - a superfluous hair on the chin! A true friend would naturally speak out, but it’s all so mortifying…would Martha Stewart have the answer?

One question that should be vetoed in any behavioural list is, ‘How are you?’. We all say it, but who wants to hear the answer? In fact, you could say it’s anti-social to reply anything other than, ‘Fine’. It can be tempting, surely, to launch into a recital of woes and ailments if an (apparently) sympathetic ear is presented, but it is gross misapprehension to assume a desire to hear on the listener’s part.

Then there’s the annual quandary of Christmas cards. I look at my list: A cross against names indicates that I did not receive one from that person the previous year. Do I not send one this year? And, if so, how many to go before the shut-off point? There should be a standard ruling on this matter. Or shall I decree it now?

Well, here goes: Two years is the time-span allotted, allowing for disease or the sudden rejection of friendship.

And I swear I’ll never tell anyone how I really am if they happen to say ‘How are you?’.