Alan Carr’s ex ‘opens himself bare’ in first memoir where he talks of sexuality, alcoholism and late ADHD diagnosis

Alan Carr’s ex-husband Paul Drayton has “opened (himself) bare” in his first memoir, where he discusses his sexuality, alcoholism, public relationship and late ADHD diagnosis.

From the outside, Paul, 54, seemingly had it all – a glamorous life, a loving marriage to one of Britain’s best-known comedians, a countryside home and pool parties attended by famous faces.

However, behind the scenes, Paul, who now lives in Horsham, West Sussex, said his life was unravelling, with his alcoholism and impulsivity taking him to “rock bottom” in 2021 with a drink-driving arrest.

After a life-changing ADHD diagnosis that same year, Paul has written a book called Ride – Or Die Trying, as he wants others to hear his “true” story, and he said the profits will go to dog charities.

He said the book has helped him on his journey of “self-discovery” and he was now “happily divorced and looking to the future”.

“In the past, I think I have been overlooked and dismissed because I’m a ‘nobody’, basically, everyone just knows who I was married to,” Paul told PA Real Life.

“That’s partly one of the reasons why I’ve written the book – I’m not just their ex-husband, I’m my own independent person.

“I wrote this book for people to see the true me and see what I’m about. I’m not the alcoholic, not the this, not the that… I’m opening myself bare.”

Paul grew up in 1970s Sunderland in a loving family alongside three older brothers – but back then, he said, people did not talk about their sexuality.

He remembers “making a beeline” for the dressing-up box at school and sneaking into his mother’s room to wear her makeup, but he said he “didn’t want to be gay”.

“You’d just think it was wrong… and you felt like you had to suppress it,” he said.

“I would tell myself, ‘Oh, when I grow up, I’ll have to be normal and I’ll get a wife’, to conform to the norms.”

Paul said he had girlfriends during his teenage years, but he knew this “wasn’t really right for (him)”.

He said he came out as gay at his brother’s stag do, aged 17, after a few drinks – and he learned that he would “talk about things more openly and freely” and had more “courage” after consuming alcohol.

Although unaware of this at the time, he said alcohol was his coping mechanism for his anxiety and “washing machine brain”, and it became a self-medicating method for his then-undiagnosed ADHD.

Symptoms of ADHD can include being easily distracted or forgetful and finding it hard to follow instructions or finish tasks, and being hyperactive and impulsive, the NHS says.

“When I used to get into bed, my brain would be whirring around,” he said.

“My auntie used to say, ‘Oh, have a hot whiskey and milk’, so I used to go down, put some milk in the microwave and top it up with whiskey and a bit of sugar.

“I would take it upstairs and just sip it, and I used to feel that (sense of calm) – the brain stopped, the relaxation came and I used to drift off to sleep.

“That was the earliest form of self-medicating at around 17 or 18… and as I got older, I realised I’ve probably been a functioning alcoholic for 20 years.”

Paul said he met Alan in 2008 and his family “adored him” and thought they were “going to be together for the rest of (their) lives”.

While Paul appeared to have it all from the outside, he said his alcoholism and undiagnosed ADHD led to some impulsive decisions – and he soon went from “being a functioning alcoholic to alcohol dependent”.

He said he hit “rock bottom” and was a “broken man” when he was briefly jailed in 2022 for drink-driving.

He has since embarked on a journey of self-discovery, his sobriety being “an ongoing journey and daily work”, and he said he has learned “the answer isn’t in the bottom of a bottle”.

“I’ve learned a lot from the mistakes I made and from hitting rock bottom. Most of us have a rock bottom experience at some point in our lives,” he said.

“I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come and committed to continuing that journey.

“I’m sober today, I was sober yesterday and I plan to be sober tomorrow.”

Paul has visited various therapists over the years, but he said he often left with many unanswered questions.

However, when a psychiatrist confirmed he had ADHD in 2021, he said it “all made sense”.

“I was with the psychiatrist and he was asking me questions, and I just thought, this is another load of boring questions, trying to figure out why I’m an alcoholic,” Paul said.

“At the end of it, he just said, ‘Well, you’ve got ADHD’, and I thought, what on Earth is that? I hadn’t heard about it.

“At the time, I was just keeping my head above water, but I didn’t really give it much thought until I moved into this safe place (my home) on my own in 2022.”

Paul has since learned more about ADHD and neurodivergence and he wants to help others going through similar things.

He has written his memoir, Ride – Or Die Trying, reflecting on addiction, identity and relationships, and the realities of “what it was like being married to somebody famous”.

With his “resourcefulness and sheer determination”, he is committed to rebuilding his life and wants to give hope to others who have hit “rock bottom”, too.

“The behaviours, the anxiety, the lack of motivation, the reason I was using alcohol to soothe, to calm, to give myself a dopamine release… that discovery, along with everything else, got me to where I am today,” Paul said.

“I’ve written this book because I want people to enjoy it and relate to it. I take full accountability for my past experiences and I want to tell my truth.

“I want to come out as me, as an independent person, as an actor creative trying to get work, and to tell my story.”

Speaking about his message to the LGBTQ+ community this Pride Month, he added: “People just need to be their authentic selves and do what makes them comfortable.

“I think I’ve always been true to myself – sometimes at my own detriment – but yes, I’ve always stayed true to myself.”

For more on Paul’s book, visit: mybook.to/RideOrDieTrying.