Dear Fionnuala: I'm cracking up with my WFH boyfriend
My boyfriend loves to show he loves me, but I need some peace and quiet
Fionnuala – I am writing to you before I lose the plot. My boyfriend and I moved in together last year. I have a good but intense career, and work in the office. My boyfriend, on the other hand, works from home and is in IT so doesn’t talk to people much. I come home, and he’s all about me; he wants to cook me dinner, kiss me, and tell me about his day.
On the other hand, all I want to do is to shower and listen to a podcast. Of course he means well, but I’m going to snap some day. I’ve taken to sitting in the carpark at Lidl mustering up the energy to go home. Help!
The Beatles said All You Need is Love, but they were talking in the 60s. All you need today is, as you said, some peace. It’s a real need in a world in which we are assaulted by music, noise, entertainment, and the necessity to be permanently ‘on’ and present. What you’re craving is normal and possible, but tread lightly please.
I suspect your boyfriend has no clue, and why would he? He is showing his love and affection for you the best way he knows now. What you need to do, is demonstrate to him that love and affection come in many different forms, and sometimes it means leaving you alone for a while.
The sooner you do this the better, because if you do snap you will hurt him and end up apologising, feeling guilty, and then I guarantee you’ll feel too bad to bring it up again.
Pick a time when you’re relaxed, probably the weekend, and tell him how you’ve been busy at work and researching how to better manage your self and your energy. Decide what it is you need, and say it in plain terms: ”I love you, but I need to be alone for an hour when I come home”, and do it.
Set a routine that becomes the new normal, and soon it will be second-nature. The essential thing is not to delay this conversation for fear of hurting his feelings, because as you said, snapping is not fair. There is also the danger that you will fester and subconsciously decide that your lovely boyfriend is the source of the problem, when he is not.