‘We made the horrific decision to terminate pregnancy due to our baby’s health but we want to help others talk about it’

A couple who made the “horrific” decision to terminate their pregnancy after discovering their unborn baby had health complications that would give him no quality of life have said they want to open up the conversation on loss to “break the taboo” and create a “ripple effect” of healing.

Mel Pottinger, 35, a project manager, and her husband Dave, 33, an operations manager, had their first child in 2020 and the couple decided to try for another baby in 2023.

When they attended the 20-week scan, their “worst nightmare” was confirmed, as they learned their baby had hydrops – severe swelling – and skin oedema, which is fluid under the skin.

The couple, from Thatcham, Berkshire, were then told they have a “rare” gene variant, causing lymphatic malformation, and this meant their baby would have countless health problems if he was born.

“You make this decision out of love and we decided that it wasn’t fair to carry on,” Mel told PA Real Life.

“It’s gut-wrenching, it’s a decision that you never want to make as a parent. That’s why I think it’s important to talk about these things because I thought we are so alone in this.”

A couple of weeks after Noah was born, the couple wanted to do something to “give back” to the medical staff and they launched a GoFundMe page in January to raise funds in Noah’s name to be split equally between Southampton fetal medicine unit and Basingstoke maternity unit.

They have far exceeded their target of £250, raising more than £2,500 in total so far, and they said seeing people’s generosity has been “heart-warming and uplifting”.

“It can be incredibly isolating, so talking to one person about how you feel can just cause a ripple effect and help other people,” Mel said.

“The guilt can be excruciating, but opening up to people and talking openly has helped enormously, so I think talking is the message.”

Dave added: “Where we have spoken about it, it just opens up that conversation.

“More people need to talk about it to understand that this does happen, and I think encouraging people to open up is only going to have a positive impact.”

After giving birth to their son Jasper, who is nearly four, they decided to try again as they wanted him to have a sibling, but Mel suffered another miscarriage at 12 weeks in 2022.

This was a “shock to the system” and the couple were “anxious going into (their) next pregnancy”, but Mel fell pregnant again in 2023.

After being told “everything was fine” at the 12-week scan – a milestone the couple were nervous for given the previous miscarriage – they felt they could “relax”.

However, during the 20-week scan, Mel said “a trapdoor was opened” as doctors had identified their baby had hydrops and skin oedema.

“The sonographer just said, ‘I’m seeing something that I shouldn’t be seeing’, which is just every parent-to-be’s worst nightmare,” Mel said.

After being seen at Andover Hospital, they were transferred to University Hospital Southampton for further specialist care, where the staff were “so sensitive” and broke down the information into “palatable pieces”.

Doctors at the fetal medicine unit completed further testing on the couple and the baby, and in the weeks that followed the gender was revealed.

But Noah’s conditions progressively worsened, to the point where the couple could visibly see the fluid in his body and the swelling in his limbs in the sonograms.

After multiple scans and tests, the couple were then told their son had lymphatic malformation, meaning his lymphatic system had not developed properly.

Dave said: “He’d have bowel issues, abdominal issues, and he’d constantly be having fluid drained from around his lungs.

“If he ever hit his skin, where his skin would be puffy and have all this fluid underneath, instead of blood, it would be fluid coming out of him and it could lead to infections.

“So, from our point of view, he wouldn’t have had a quality of life at all.”

The couple then made the heartbreaking decision to terminate the pregnancy, but knowing the realities of what Noah would have faced, they knew this was the “right decision for him”.

Dave said: “I think it helps take away some of the guilt because you know in the back of your head, from the information you’ve been given, you’re doing it for the right reasons.”

Mel added: “It was horrific because I couldn’t understand why it was happening. He was a wanted baby, we wanted to walk out of that hospital with him and we didn’t get to.

During this “harrowing time”, the couple said the hospital staff were “brilliant” and, with their sensitivity and compassion, they helped make the next steps more “bearable”.

After having a procedure to stop Noah’s heart, they attended Basingstoke Hospital on October 16 2023 to prepare for the birth, and he was delivered as a stillborn the following day.

Noah was then wrapped in a blue blanket with stars on and they were able to spend time with him, taking “beautiful” photos and creating “wonderful” memories.

“That team is worth their weight in gold. For such a harrowing time, they made it that little bit more bearable,” Mel said.

“They treated him with dignity from the start, and even when I gave birth to him, the staff were incredible.

The couple said the milestone of what would have been Noah’s due date has been challenging, but their son Jasper has been their “shining light”.

Having each other to talk to, along with friends, family, and work colleagues, has helped enormously as well, and they want to encourage others to discuss the topic of baby loss.

While grief has affected them differently, and at different stages, with Dave feeling the greatest impact while carrying Noah’s coffin, they now want to help others open up.

“It feels like Noah has had, without even knowing it, a positive impact, and we’re just trying to break the taboo,” Mel said.

“It’s a scary, unknown subject, and you never know how people might react, but we’re all human at the end of the day.”

Dave added: “It’s just a process of healing and being able to normalise that these things do happen and it’s okay to talk about it.”

To donate or to find out more, visit Mel and Dave’s fundraiser at: gofundme.com/f/qg6zsq-in-memory-of-noah