A Call for Empathy, not Sympathy, for Teens in Crisis

A friend of mine messaged me recently to say how their 14-year-old daughter was really struggling with her emotions and how they felt she had ‘gone inward’ and was having suicidal thoughts.

I know Ireland has making great strides in the whole sphere of mental health, especially over the last decade or so, but as I recently returned to Clonmel from a long stretch abroad, my friend’s message got me wondering how things really are for kids now. A very quick Google search led to a January 2023 article in the Irish Times referencing how ‘Children’s hospitals [are] seeing ‘astronomical’ numbers of young people self-harming”.

It was not uncommon to have teenage clients at the Hypnotherapy practice I used to work at in Dublin - often arriving to us once the medical system had done all it could. Most came in with various self-harm issues, from cutting to anorexia to ‘trichotillomania’ (hair-pulling). I would invariably find myself amazed and inspired by their levels of introspective-depth, intelligence and empathy. The kids were usually more sensitive than other people around them and hence, felt things much more deeply. They certainly couldn’t just ‘not worry about things’, ‘cop themselves on’, or ‘shake it off and think about all they had going for them’.

One 14-year-old client, Sophie, was a sensitive kid, who had absorbed the dysfunction in her family. On the outside, her family seemed to have it all together – great jobs, big house, both parents were very affable and respected by those around them. But because of the unresolved trauma from their own upbringing, they found themselves doing everything they could to take care of the physical needs of their children, but didn’t know how to create a safe emotional space where they could ‘attune’ with their kids. In the absence of that, kids can feel alone and not know where to turn with ‘big’ emotions and thoughts, sometimes leading to depression and anxiety.

Sophie’s depression led her to self-harm. Although I had a certificate in ‘Managing Deliberate Self-Harm’, working with Sophie taught me far more. Part of what she taught me was that when the pain on the inside is matched by pain on the outside, she just feels better in that moment. It’s a form of empathy somehow.

The therapy space was a safe container for her to fully be herself and express her thoughts and emotions as well as co-creating coping mechanisms. But, that space really can be created outside of the therapy environment too – it just needs an empathetic caregiver.

One thing I’ve noticed about us Irish is that we’re very good at sympathy but not so great at empathy. ‘Ah the poor pet’, ‘shur, it’ll all be grand’ – wonderful, caring statements usually uttered with the best intentions, but also often used as generic utterances when we stay in our heads as opposed to communicate from our hearts and inner wisdom.

Imagine how you would have felt going through a tough time when you were younger, if your parents had said something like, ‘I understand how difficult this is for you, and I might not have all the answers for you right now, but I can guarantee you that I see you, I hear you - I’m here for you and I will work through this with you’.

But, even if we didn’t always have someone there to do that for us, it’s never too late to start. Introspective, sensitive, deep-thinking kids are changing the world (e.g. Greta Thunberg) – let’s do what we can to support them to use their emotional depth to their advantage.

Here are some other empathy statements:

- I can see that you’re a bit upset right now.

- I know you’re angry with me – I’m glad you’re being honest with me

- I’ve felt that way too

- I can understand why you would feel like that

- I’m not going anywhere – am here for you whilst you sort out these feelings

- Sometimes I feel….when….

- That makes sense – I’d feel that way too

- I think I might have hurt your feelings – can we talk about it?

- When I shouted earlier, how did that make you feel? I’m sorry if I made it about you, but I just had a bit of a bad day – it wasn’t your fault

- We’re both struggling now, aren’t we?

- Although I mightn’t have all the solutions, I’m here for you and I’m in your corner